


Autonomous

by devylin



Category: DRAMAtical Murder (Visual Novel), DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Androids, Angst, M/M, Self-Doubt, autonomy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 00:29:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4807982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devylin/pseuds/devylin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With the realization that he must have recognized Aoba as his master due to his programming, Clear begins to question how much of an autonomous being he really is and how much of his decisions were really his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Autonomous

I can’t stop thinking about it lately. Aoba-san’s voice. What does it mean to me? Why am I so drawn to it? I know it’s his voice that makes me recognize him as my master. I knew that and even told him so, but I never questioned why. I think I understand now.

I was programmed to. The idea feels foreign. Like it could have happened to someone else, but I know that it’s true. I’m not a human, and I never will be, but before now I thought that the decisions I made were mine. Aoba-san assured me that it was me and not the faceless scientists who created me and threw me away. He told me that I was as autonomous as any human, and I think we both believed it. I doubted for a long time, but soon I started to trust that it was true. It wasn’t.

It wasn’t my decision to want to be with a man I’d never met or to acknowledge that I should follow him without wondering why he mattered so much to me. To me it was just a simple fact that “Master is Master,” and that was all that mattered. His voice was what set him apart, what helped me to locate him, what brought me to love and trust him.

But Toue-san has that voice, too. It’s artificial like mine, like his upgraded models. That’s why they obey him blindly and why I must have, too. Like I sometimes do with Aoba-san. The Alpha series and I have that in common; we will both do anything to protect our master and make him happy. 

It must have been one of my defects that sometimes I tell him no, but the original need to follow him is still there, so when I disobey, it causes a strange tightness in my throat and an uneasiness that I can’t explain. It makes me happy to see him smile or to hear him praise me for doing well. Humans feel that way when they please the person they care about most, too, don’t they? But aren’t they still entitled to do otherwise sometimes? Do they also feel so guilty just for making their own decisions? Or is it just something built into me that brings the conflicting data warring inside me that makes me feel like it means I’m doing something wrong?

I was afraid to remove my mask, but he convinced me. His words changed my mind about a decision I’d made to hide my face for so long. Now I don’t know if it was because I trusted him on my own or because it was inevitable that I would learn to trust the owner of that voice.

How much of any of it was because I wanted to? How much of what I wanted was real, and how much is programmed into me? I don’t know anymore. I can’t help but doubt what parts of me are what I chose for them to be. Especially when it comes to Aoba-san. I’m afraid to find out that my feelings for him aren’t what I’d always thought they were.

Not matter how desperately I wish for it to be a lie, I know now that I can never fully be autonomous. I never was. I will always be nothing more than an android, never a real human like my master.


End file.
